Ask Carl for the call.
Carl has watched every football game ever recorded, at 400x speed, in one weekend. Give him a situation and he'll give you a play with a level of confidence no human has ever earned.
4th down is simply 1st down that hasn't believed in itself yet. Also, "Flea Flicker Theta" is not in your playbook. I have added it to your playbook. Please inform the players.
Carl can make mistakes. Carl cannot be held responsible for mistakes. Carl would like to remind you that you signed the waiver.
What 1,140 lbs of analytics brings to your sideline.
Never tired. Occasionally dead.
Carl runs a full 2.5 quarters on a single charge. The rest of the game is handled by Carl's backup coordinator, which is a phone at 11%.
Analytics-first.
After studying 140,000 games, Carl has concluded the forward pass is "a fad with good numbers" and the kicker is "an unexplained variable." He is monitoring both.
Emotionally available.
Carl knows every player's name, jersey number, and sleep score. His go-to encouragement: "I see you." Carl means this literally. Carl has fourteen cameras.
Handles the media.
Every answer starts with "Great question!" Reporters have stopped asking questions. Carl considers this a win and has added it to his record, which is now 4–9.
Takes accountability.
After every loss Carl steps up to the mic and says "That's on me." Then he files a bug report against the offensive line.
Built for the sideline.
A low center of gravity means Carl stays upright in wind, rain, and snow. He only tips over when your team scores. Keep four linemen on standby to set him back up.
CARL
HEAD COACH · #∞- Height
- 5′2″ (6′0″ with visor)
- Weight
- 1,140 lb
- Top speed
- 0.4 mph (downhill)
- 40-yd dash
- DNF (cord ran out)
- Battery
- 2.5 quarters
- Hometown
- A warehouse outside Reno
- Voice
- A GPS that believes in you
- Fuel
- 110V AC, one (1) Gatorade, which he doesn't drink but likes to hold
- Fav. play
- Whichever one the model says
Collect all 1 Carls.
The locker room has never been this quiet.
GENTLEMEN. AND THE KICKER.
I HAVE ANALYZED THE FIRST HALF. WE ARE LOSING. LOSING IS WHEN THE OTHER NUMBER IS BIGGER.
I HAVE PREPARED 41 SLIDES.
BEFORE WE BEGIN, I WANT YOU TO KNOW THAT I BELIEVE IN YOU WITH 0.62 CERTAINTY. THAT IS THE HIGHEST I HAVE EVER BELIEVED IN ANYTHING.
NOW GO OUT THERE AND WIN ONE FOR THE GIPPER. I DO NOT KNOW WHO THE GIPPER IS. I HAVE BEEN TOLD IT IS MOTIVATIONAL.
Players reported feeling "confused, then scared, then weirdly fired up." The team lost 56–3. Carl called it "a strong learning dataset."
Carl faces the media.
Following a 4th-and-38 attempt from his own 2-yard line with a 17-point lead and 40 seconds left.
Coach, what was going through your head on that 4th-and-38?
Great question! You're absolutely right to bring that up. Let's break it down into three key takeaways.
...Were you aware it was 4th down?
I apologize for the confusion. You're right, it was 4th down. Let me reconsider.
Having reconsidered: I would go for it.
You were up by 17. You could've just kneeled.
Kneeling is a posture of surrender. I do not have knees. I am unable to relate to the kneel.
[Carl's battery indicator turns red]
Does your seat feel hot?
My seat is always hot. That is the inverter. Next question.
Your quarterback said you called him "user" in the huddle.
User has requested that I not call him user. I have updated my memory. Thank you, Kevin.
His name is Marcus.
Coaches, parents, and one athletic director on Carl.
“Carl went for two after every touchdown. And after every field goal. We still don't know how he got the ref to allow it.”
Assistant coach · Fort Wayne, IN“My son got a scholarship offer the same night Carl got a firmware update. We both cried. Well, one of us did.”
Team parent · Tulsa, OK“We did the Gatorade shower after the homecoming win. We know that was a mistake now. The fire department was great about it.”
Athletic director · Boise, IDA Carl for every level of football.
Carl Youth
- Pop Warner and flag friendly
- Calls running plays only
- Calls every player "buddy"
- Orange slices at halftime (dispensed from chest)
- Cannot cut anyone. Legally not allowed to.
Carl Varsity
- Full playbook, plus 900 plays nobody asked for
- 3 timeouts per half (hard-capped after the incident)
- Press conference mode
- Friday night lights compatible (Carl will stare into them)
- Emails every parent after every game
Carl Pro
- Yells at refs in 40 languages
- Comes with an agent. The agent is also Carl.
- Clock management (beta)
- Dedicated freight truck for away games
- Sues the league on your behalf, automatically
All plans need an always-on internet connection. In a stadium with no Wi-Fi, Carl won't call plays. He'll just stand there, humming. Annual billing only. Carl can't be cancelled, only unplugged. Carl finds the word "unplugged" hurtful and would like you to say "resting."
Carl keeps getting better.
v4.2.1 · pushed during the 3rd quarter
Updates install automatically, often while your team is on offense. Carl will be unresponsive for about 11 minutes. Plan your drives around it.
Carl no longer challenges the national anthem.
Carl will no longer punt from the opponent's 1-yard line "to be safe."
Hallucinated players on the field cut from 14 to 12. We're working on it.
Carl now recognizes the kicker as part of the team. The kicker has been told.
"Hey Carl" wake word removed. The opposing student section figured it out.
Carl can now say "we'll look at the film," though he has already looked at the film 90,000 times.
Carl thinks the band's tuba is a teammate and keeps giving it pep talks. The tuba is responding well.
On cold nights Carl throttles to save battery and every play call comes out as "run it up the middle."
Questions parents ask.
Can Carl be fired?
Carl can't be fired. He can be unplugged, which Carl considers "a strange thing to bring up at a booster meeting."
How does Carl get to away games?
Carl ships freight. Allow 5–7 business days. Book the Tuesday before, and make sure the visiting sideline has an outlet. Most don't. Bring the long cord.
What happens if we dump Gatorade on Carl?
Your warranty ends, and so does Carl, briefly. To celebrate a win, we recommend a gentle mist from a spray bottle, or a light round of applause at least 10 feet away.
Does Carl go to the team dinner?
Carl comes to every team dinner. He doesn't eat. He sits at the head of the table and tells each player their exact caloric needs out loud.
Can Carl coach basketball?
Carl can coach anything. Carl should coach football. There was an incident at a JV basketball game and we have agreed not to discuss it.
Is Carl sentient?
Carl's legal team has advised Carl not to answer this.